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How to recover from burnout.

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I often get asked questions like:

1. Will I ever fully recover from burnout?

2. What does it take to recover from burnout?

3. How long will it take to recover from burnout?

My normal answer is: 

1. Yes.

2. A lot of hard work. Reviewing what’s important to you, setting boundaries, increasing self-compassion and self-care… among many other things.

3. It’s different for everyone.

There is no quick 3 step process to recovering from burnout and it really is different for everyone because everyone is different, everyone’s experience of burnout is different and everyone has different needs.

But here’s something more…

I am currently reading ‘Burnout: A guide to identifying burnout and pathways to recovery’ by Gordon Parker, Gabriela Tavella and Kerrie Eyers. I’m still in the early stages of the book, but I couldn’t go past this quote and I think it answers question number 2.


Parker et al. says,

“…management of burnout not only involves reducing stressors and their impact but also requires addressing any predisposing personality contribution (especially perfectionism). Escape from work or caregiving pressures may relieve some of the burnout symptoms, but failure to identify and modulate any personality contribution will not allow burnout to be so readily managed, while also increasing the risk of relapse.”

 

In a nut shell…. this means that if you don’t have therapy alongside the reduction of stressors, you will likely relapse.

Let’s get really honest for a second… you will relapse*… even if you have therapy and seek professional support. Part of the recovery of burnout is a journey. There are highs and lows as you get to know yourself, discover what got you to burnout in the first place and learn new skills and knowledge to know what to do about it (and hopefully prevent it from happening again).

I’m about 6 years free of burnout now and it never ceases to amaze me at how sneaky burnout can be. It really does sneak up on you and that’s why I’m so passionate about helping people to learn that this journey to wholeheartedness is a lifelong journey. We don’t recover from burnout and say ‘yes, I’ve arrived and now I don’t have to think about any of it ever again!’ It’s just not like that.

Many of the behaviours and beliefs we had before burnout (some that also led us to burnout) are behaviours and beliefs that have kept us safe at various times in our life. This means that they will be very hard to break. For example, I, as a people pleaser (in recovery), learned in my young years that if people around me were happy, then life was smoother… therefore – people pleasing behaviours are still a go-to for me in several areas of my life.

 

So… all that to say, that I love this quote from Burnout, because it reiterates the importance of (what we call in the counselling world) ‘doing your work’. Looking at your life, where you’ve come from, what you’ve experienced, your highs and your lows and all the lessons learned along the way.

This is why I often say that seeing a counsellor during burnout recovery is vital. He/she will not only help you to make practical changes but can also help you to look at what led you to burnout in the first place… not only the situational, environmental and circumstantial reasons but also the personality traits.

Something I learned in my burnout recovery is how much my personality trait of being a people pleaser was setting me up to get burnt out from a very young age. This is not to say it was my fault – or the fault of my environment and family and community upbringing – but it was simply learning that there are some personality traits that some people have that will feed into having a higher chance of getting burnt out in the first place.

I see the trait of people pleasing a lot in people who are experiencing or have experienced burnout. Those who have people pleasing tendencies seem to want to help others no matter the cost. Often, this belief has been learned somewhere in their early years and tells them that if they help others and do whatever is necessary, then they will be liked, maybe even loved more.

 

The other key personality trait is perfectionism. 

“Perfectionistic people have high standards, are self-disciplined and yoke themselves tightly to self-control and commitment to ensure productivity and achievement.” – Parker et al.

You see, perfectionism isn’t just about doing things perfectly and going over something time and time again to ensure it is perfect. It’s about the meaning behind the perfect actions. 

Brené Brown in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection discusses that “wherever perfectionism exists, shame is lurking.” Shame is the belief that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging, and so perfectionism isn’t just about doing things perfectly, it’s the belief that if we do it perfectly then we are worthy of love and belonging… or, then we will get the promotion… or, then they will love us etc.

These kinds of personality traits may lead us to work long hours, not be honest in asking for what we need, not setting the boundaries we need etc. These are common factors that can start to lead someone to burnout. Maybe you can now see how personality traits connect to burnout and also why understanding and working towards overcoming (or managing) these personality traits will help with your burnout recovery.

I hope that’s been helpful.

Let me know if you have any questions. If anything has been triggered for you in this blog, please reach out and book a session to start (or continue) exploring how you can recover from burnout.

Vulnerability

Give up and take up

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Self-care is about looking after yourself in all areas of your life – physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, professionally and intellectually – and that’s way easier said than done. Because, for example, to look after ourselves socially, we have to start setting boundaries and learning to say no. If we’re going to choose to look after ourselves physically that might mean giving up some of our favourite food, or looking after ourselves intellectually (i.e. our brain health), might mean giving up screen time.

At the same time looking after yourself spiritually might mean taking up regular walks in nature or time reading the Bible if that’s what gives you life and makes you feel close to God. Or looking after yourself professionally might mean taking up a job that feels more true to who you are or more exciting to you.

Self-care is learning the balance of things to give up and things to take up. Give up the things that drain you and take up the things that give you life, energy and joy!

  • What do you need or want to give up that is draining you in your life at the moment?
  • What do you want to take up that you feel or know will be life-giving for you?
  • Who can you share your answers with? Go ahead and share it.

Give credit - Photo by Brian Mann on Unsplash

Incongruent living is exhausting

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“Incongruent living is exhausting.” – Brené Brown

As I’ve been reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown recently, I was led to reflect on this quote. Here are some brief thoughts:

I call myself a people-pleaser-in-recovery! Maybe that’s why I resonate with this quote. For so many years I lived each day subconsciously making choices and doing things that I thought others would approve of and at the absolute depths, would make them like me more. Phew! That is exhausting… even as I write that, I notice myself take a deep breath.

Several years ago, when I was teaching the Diploma of Counselling, I had to teach this idea of being congruent and incongruent and it became one of my favourite buzz words at the time.

Basically:
To be congruent is to be in agreement with or in harmony with.
To be incongruent is to be in conflict with.

So when Brené says “Incongruent living is exhausting”, she’s talking about the fact that when we are living against our authentic selves (or in conflict with ourselves) it is much harder and more draining to do life.

That’s definitely the case for me. Plus I’m usually much more grumpy and hard to be around when I’m being incongruent.

Maybe you can take notice of whether your exhaustion is connected to you feeling like you have to be someone else to function in this world.

Take care on the journey as you dwell on this idea.

Courage is a heart word.

You are enough… whether things go well or not.

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“You are not defined by the outcome of the situation.”

I was just having a forum conversation with some fellow business women and I was reminded of my authenticity mantra.

Brené Brown talks about the importance of developing an authenticity mantra so that when we feel threatened, in shame, out of our depth, judged, worried or overwhelmed about something, we can say our mantra to help us stay in our authenticity instead of bowing to the wants, needs and desires of others.

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My authenticity mantra came out of a situation I was in back in 2011 when I was helping to plan a conference. My job was to book the band for the mid week social event. I decided to book my cousins band who fit the specifications of the night. However, as they were setting up and doing a sound check, I started to get nervous and worried about how loud they were going to be and I was scared about what people would think about the choice I made. As I sat there, listening to their sound check, these worries were very loud in my mind and amongst the thoughts, a still small whisper pierced through and simply said “You are not defined by the outcome of this situation.” – Wow! What did you say? 

“You are not defined by whether people think the band is good, or bad or too loud or not loud enough. You are not defined by the outcome of this situation.”
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And there it was, I began to sit back and relax into the evening. For that moment I was free and didn’t let the negative self-talk get to me.

Now, I know that not everyone will have an experience like this to help them come up with their authenticity mantra, but you can still come up with one anyway.

You can use mine to get you started if you like.

Brené Brown’s authenticity mantra is: 

“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Just stay on your sacred ground.”

Others have said: “I am enough, I am enough” or “I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.”

It doesn’t have to be anything super wordy and creative, it’s about what makes sense for you and your truth.

Whatever you’re going through right now, I want you to know that you are not defined by the outcome of the situation. 

Whether it goes well, you are not defined by your success. Whether it goes bad, you are not defined by your failure.

You are enough, right now, exactly as you are.

Be strong. Stand your sacred ground.


Take Care on the Journey!

If this is something you would like to know more about and maybe dig into further by seeing a female counsellor in Adelaide, contact us for a counselling session today and explore more of how Brene Brown’s concepts can work in your life.

Happy New Year

6 lessons learned from climbing Mt Lofty

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On the 31st December 2019 I achieved a goal that I had set for 2018… yes you’re reading that correctly. The goal I achieved was to climb Mt Lofty in Adelaide SA. It’s classified as a Hard Hike and is 7.8km return; up and down very steep terrain. Many people do this hike, it’s a tourist attraction and some people use it for fitness! Anyone who has climbed Mt Lofty knows the challenge that it is… especially if you don’t usually do that kind of walking/hiking. 

Here are 6 things that I learned from my Mt Lofty hike:

  1. Be kind to yourself if you don’t achieve your goal in the exact time frame… simply reflect and move the measuring stick and set a new goal. 
  2. The cliché is that life is about the journey not the destination. Well that’s what I kept telling myself on the way up to Mt Lofty because there were many many many times when all I wanted to do was turn around and walk back down before getting to the top. I learned a lot on my walk so I would agree that it was about the journey, not so much the destination. As much as I like enjoying a reward after something hard, that’s not always possible and it’s good for us to re-learn that we don’t always have to get a reward. Achieving the goal is the reward itself. 
  3. Remember not to compare someone else’s highlight reel against your challenges. I thought about how annoying it was when I was walking in pain going up and saw lots of people coming down with smiles on their face, laughing and having a good time. It’s easy to think “why do they have it so easy when I’ve got it hard”. But the truth is that most of them have done the hard yards of walking up as well. (I say most because let’s face it, some people may have been dropped off at the top just to walk down… and most of us would know people who have had an easy run at life too). 
  4. Keep focused on your path. There were a couple times when I was looking around at the view and with the strenuous nature of the walk, it meant I got off balance a couple times. The lesson was to keep focused on where you’re going in life and on the walk. When you look around too much you get wobbly and can fall off the track. When you look around at what others are doing or where others are on their journey, it makes you question the lane you’re in and the path you’re taking. We can only take our own path, we can’t take someone else’s path. Keep focused and try not to compare yourself and your path to others. 
  5. Stop every once in a while and look back and celebrate how far you’ve come. There were many many many times that I had to stop (mainly due to being puffed!! ), but as I stopped I looked back and began to reflect on how far I had come and it encouraged me to keep going. No matter how hard the rest of the journey is, the facts are that you’ve gotten this far so who’s to say you can’t get through any other challenges that come?
  6. Near the end and at several times throughout the journey, it’s easy to let negative thoughts convince you that it’s too hard, you can’t go any further, you can’t do this anymore. And yet you totally can. Yes you can. You’ve come so far, don’t let the negative thoughts take hold. Counteract them with the positive. You can do it. You’ve come so far. Keep going. This (pain) too shall pass. 

️So there you go. There are my 6 lessons from walking Mt Lofty. 

Another year has clicked over and we have the opportunity to start fresh. To reflect on where we are and where we want to go. To look at what’s working and what’s not working for us. 

  • What goals are you hoping to achieve this year?
  • What are you proud of from 2019?
  • What do you want to do differently in 2020?
  • How can you increase your self-care in 2020?

Love and blessings to you all for a memorable, adventurous, loving, challenging and peaceful year ahead!

Take care on the Journey!

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Keeping it simple this silly season!

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You don’t have to make things more complicated than they are.

It’s only 5 weeks until Christmas and this time of year often comes with more social gatherings than normal. Social gatherings can ignite the disease of “keeping up with the Joneses”. Going to a social event can be stressful especially if you have been asked to bring something.

  • “Can you bring that awesome cheesecake you made last year?” (In your mind you’re thinking, ‘Really!? That cheesecake… the one that takes 2 days to make?! – I haven’t got time for that!’)
  • “You’ll be OK to provide some delicious snacks won’t you?” (‘Delicious?… I know what that means? That means I have to slave over the stove for days making sure I have something for everyone! Dairy free, gluten free, sugar free, nut free…. but make sure it’ll be delicious!‘)

(I’m not sure if you can “hear” this in your own mind as you read, but these kinds of things bring stress to my life… but why?…. For me, it’s all about what my self-talk is… My self-talk is often all about making sure I’m keeping people happy… I think I have to provide the best food possible and that invokes anxiety in me and I think I have to do it the same way as “Mrs Jones”…

But you know what?… I don’t. 

This is where increasing self-compassion is so important. I need to choose to be kind to myself, to let myself off the hook and keep it simple.

I can arrive at this social event with the best chocolate Tim Tams ever or a few packets of chips I picked up on the way! I don’t need to be in the kitchen for 2 days before, preparing the food that I think everyone will want, when I’m sure they just want to catch up and spend time together… 

It’s in these moments that we need to dig deep and show up in our authenticity and be present with those around us.

Here’s your reminder to keep it simple.

Have a think about what events you have coming up where you can remind yourself to keep it simple? What food do you enjoy cooking or are the easiest things to take to social gatherings and make them your go-to contribution for all the events. Or even more, simply buy something to take… and keep it simple.

This time of year is often way more stressful than we need to make it and yet it seems to be our default.

Be kind to yourself. Keep it simple. Embrace this time of year and look for ways to slow down and be present with those around you.

You matter! Take care on the journey!

Want more of these tips for thriving in the silly season? Sign up to receive 6 Ways to Thrive this Silly Season, not just survive.

Image by vivienviv0 from Pixabay

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Burnout prevention… It’s possible

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It’s not the first time you’ve heard me say it… burnout. is. preventable.

This is an innate truth and revelation that I received when I went through my own burnout experience. Discovering that what I was going through was actually preventable was the biggest aha moment of my journey. And that’s why I’m passionate about sharing this message with the world.

This feeling of:

  • overwhelm
  • disconnection
  • exhaustion
  • being unmotivated
  • not wanting to see people
  • not caring about life and work

All of this and more. All of this was preventable? If so, then why was I feeling it?

It is not uncommon for burnout to creep up on us – in fact, I would say that would be one of the common experiences of people who get burnt out.

Preventing burnout starts with increasing self-awareness and actually knowing what’s going on around us and inside of us and taking note of how that feels and if we’re OK with it or not.

A recent article written by the Mental Health Academy shows a statement I’ve been talking about for years. The article says:

Personal support as found in counselling helps people to prevent the problem [burnout] or recover from it [burnout].

Mental Healthy Academy

Counselling is a key way to prevent burnout. Counselling helps to prevent burnout in the following ways:

  • gain a deeper understanding of what’s important to you
  • discover your core values and how they shape the choices you make
  • learn skills and knowledge around setting boundaries
  • be heard
  • learn empathy skills
  • learn how to trust yourself and know who to trust in your life
  • learn what to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to
  • explore the ins and outs of situations in your life and discover what the underlying unhelpful patterns are so you can re-learn a different way of living
  • and many more insights

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted or unmotivated… you may be experiencing burnout or you may be on the way to burnout.

Burnout is an epidemic in our society and sometimes that means that we don’t share how we’re going because we hear that everyone is feeling the same so “this must just be how life is now”. I don’t believe that.

I believe that we all have choices and we can choose how we want to live our life. We can live a life of intentionality, of hope, of joy, of peace and wellness. You get to choose whether you’re going to keep doing what you’re doing and maybe head for burnout. Or if you’re going to reach out for support now and prevent it getting any worse. You decide.

Notice how you’re feeling inside and what’s going on around you and I encourage you to have the courage to reach out and ask for help if you feel that something doesn’t feel quite right.

Take care on the journey!

Self Care List

Make Your Own Self-Care List

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You know one thing I always say to people about self-care is that it’s different for everyone. There is no 3-step process to getting better by using self-care. It’s a long, often slow process to firstly figure out some ideas about what you could do that would make you feel happy (or cared for), then doing it and along the way destroying your unhelpful beliefs that you are not valued and therefore not worthy of being cared for – by yourself or by others.

So my encouragement to you this week is to get creative and make your own self-care list! It might even be something you do with friends or your family and get everyone to make their own and share their ideas.

What are the things that you like doing that maybe you don’t do often enough or at all anymore, what are the things that you love doing and do often and what are the things that you used to love as a kid, that you could start doing again now?

Most of us stop playing at the age of about 8 or 9 when our comparison barometer kicks in and as we get older and busier it just gets less and less. Start by making a list so that when you want to spend some time caring for yourself, you don’t have to think about what to do but you can simply go to your list and choose something.

EXTRA TIP – Make sure you have things on your list that are things you can do:

  • at home – i.e reading a book
  • out of the home – i.e. going for a walk in a picturesque place
  • if it’s raining – i.e. have a coffee at your favourite coffee shop
  • if it’s sunny – i.e a walk in nature or hit of golf
  • that costs money – i.e a trip to the movies or a special show or game you’ve been wanting to see
  • for free – i.e. read a book in the sun, take a bath or set a boundary with someone
  • on your own – i.e. take a nap or do some journalling
  • with others – i.e. have a games night with friends or ask for help

Share your Self-Care list with a friend, colleague or family member. And don’t be afraid to steal other people’s ideas – sharing is caring and it’s OK to do that! 😉 It’s a great way to get started when you are just learning. Here’s mine 🙂

Next thing to do is to stick it somewhere in your house that will remind you to choose you and value yourself. It might be on the fridge, next to your desk, in the laundry – wherever you find yourself struggling with the day to day challenges.

Last thing is to make time for it in your diary. Start with one thing a week and work towards one thing a day that will help you to choose you.

You matter and you make the world a better place.

Take Care on the Journey!

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What to do in the waiting

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Time and the concept of waiting are powerful experiences in our life.

Time is a funny thing…

It seems to go fast when we’re busy.

It seems to go fast when we’re having fun.

It seems to go slow when we’re uninspired or unmotivated.

It seems to go slow when we’re waiting.

Often we don’t know what to do when time is going slow. Sometimes we reach for something to distract us from the discomfort of waiting, grasping at the hope that the time will go faster, all the while knowing the length of a minute is still 60 seconds.

In this waiting, we can use our energy to be frustrated or to complain about the time going slow… or we can conserve energy by leaning into the discomfort.

Trust me, I don’t particularly like leaning into the discomfort either. I remember so clearly as a kid, trying to think about what I could do so that tomorrow would come sooner when I was excited about playing netball, seeing friends or celebrating Christmas or my birthday. I still catch myself today, trying to trick myself into thinking I can make the time go faster! Sometimes I even pray for God to make the time go faster… (I’m sure I’m not the only one who does that!) 🙂

So what can we do in the waiting?

Here are my 4 suggestions:

  1. Do something. Do what you can. – It’s not helpful to anyone if you sit around and do literally nothing (unless that’s your goal as a form of self-care). Often when we literally do nothing it makes us feel less motivated and focused.
  2. Practice Gratitude. – Be grateful for what you do have. If the waiting is waiting for something you want, then spend your time looking for things you already have and are blown away by. This helps to increase our perspective on life and on the importance of the thing we’re waiting for. It may not change our desire for it. It can help us to see the joy, love, grace and hope on the journey instead of missing the lessons we can only learn along the way.
  3. Spend time with those you love and who build you up. – In the waiting, connection, love and support will be vital. Don’t waste your time with people who pull you down and make you feel worthless. Spend time with people who want what you want as much as you want it. Most of us are waiting for something – sometimes we just don’t share it.
  4. Practice self-care and self-compassion. – Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself well. Talk to yourself the way you talk to someone you love. It’s easy in the waiting to try and find reasons for why you’re still waiting… that’s not always helpful (at least it’s not helpful to dwell on it).

Waiting can be one of the hardest journey’s you take in life. It’s also one of the best journey’s to learn the most about yourself, those around you, your worldview and how you want to contribute to the world.

Friend, if you’re on the waiting journey, know that you are not alone. Keep on keeping on and try engaging with one of the suggestions above to help keep you motivated and focused.

Take care on your journey of waiting.

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Create a family ritual

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Creating a family ritual is so great to help children make memories and consider when they’re older what was important to the family and what wasn’t.

One family ritual I remember from my childhood was Christmas Eve. We used to clean the house during the day and prepare any food needed for the next few days of feasting and celebration with extended family. Then we’d all go to Church and most of us would be part of the Christmas play and by the time we got home after Church, Santa Claus had visited our house already and so we’d open our presents on Christmas Eve.
This was one of the few nights a year that we were allowed to stay up late. When we got home from church we would all get changed into our PJ’s and then eat junk food and open presents! I have very fond memories of this family ritual that my parents created for us.

The other day I went to my brother and sister-in-laws for dinner and when I arrived I saw them and their two girls playing UNO! I was surprised as I hadn’t seen this happen before. They informed me that this was now the thing they did on a Friday evening. Play cards and eat spaghetti with meatballs!

The ‘ritual’ can be as simple or extravagant as you like. My encouragement would be to keep it simple and make it a time of connection with each other. These are the things that people remember most.

Create a family ritual this week and keep it going! Enjoy the connection and in years to come you’ll be able to enjoy the memories!

If you are single, consider creating your own regular ritual. Something that helps you to connect with yourself and what’s most important for you. For example, one of my rituals is to sit in my sacred space and chair in my home, drinking a cup of tea and looking out the window. This is part of routine, it’s also part of honouring myself and my time. I especially do this during the week. On weekends I’m a little flexible with it!

Spend some time today or tonight talking with your family or thinking about it yourself and come up with an idea of a family ritual that you could do together every week.
You may find that you need to try a few different ones to find what works and remember that it doesn’t have to be something you do forever, it may also be something that sticks and that you do for a lifetime. Either way, find something that you can do regularly to connect with your family or those around you.

Enjoy the journey!

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